Dr. Kern is also setting Ethan up with an appointment at the pulmonary (lungs) clinic at Children's. He apologized, but he said he just doesn't know what else to do, and he doesn't want to keep trying everything he can think of - he wants to get Ethan to be feeling better!  Dr. Kern said he felt like he was wasting so much of my time, but I told him it didn't matter because I just wanted to figure out what was going on and I knew he felt the same way. 

Ugh, Ethan is wheezing right now...

Okay, I'm back now from giving him another Albuteral treatment.

I just hope we can figure this out and get going on something that works, soon, because we just can't keep going like this. What hurts me just as bad as seeing Ethan not well is the effect it's obviously having on Natalie. The less sleep we all get, the more Ethan cries, the more I have to attend to him, the whinier, and clingier, Natalie becomes. And with my patience worn thin from lack of sleep I'm not doing a very good job at dealing with it, either. I know that what she really needs is some attention just for her, but in moments of stress or when my hands are already full to overflowing with things, I find myself doing exactly what I don't want to do - snapping and yelling at her. It doesn't help, and in fact just produces more of the whiny and clinginess that is annoying me. I don't blame her for acting the way she is, she's really being so sweet and very helpful overall, in spite of what's gong on around her. She does so much to help me out through the days, so I wish I could just keep that in the front of my mind and not turn into angry-mom as soon as the whine starts up again...

May 16, 2005
Well, he can't be content with just being mobile, not even for a full week. I turned around this afternoon, and Ethan had climbed up into the kid-size rocking chair. (The one that was my Grandma Hedrick's.) One second he was crawling around the floor, trying to eat Natalie's books, and the next he was looking back at me from on the chair. (See the Picture of the Day, below.) That was even more difficult than climbing up a stair, because the chair rocks and moves. Time for the baby gate to go up!

Ethan hasn't been sleeping well at all lately, and he's be ultra fussy during the days, too. We don't know if it is teething, or just the clinginess that happens after learning some independence (Natalie never had that much, but I had heard it's normal). Whatever the cause, he doesn't want to be put down, day or night. He's been crying so much that he's actually making his voice hoarse. We thought that maybe the Zyrtec is having the opposite effect on him - causing restlessness instead of drowsiness - like it does Phil, so this morning we gave him the medicine instead of at bedtime like the last several days. He was very fussy today, but if he can be fussy during the day but then sleep at night, well, that's a little better. Or maybe the Zyrtec is not the answer and there is another solution for his wheezing/coughing; I don't know, we'll give it a little longer though. Lately he hasn't slept day OR night. He just stays up, cries until his voice almost goes, and wants to be held. So, I hold him. It's wearing me out though. I don't know what else I can do differently, either. I read a good quote today, "I was a great mother until I had children." You have all the easy answers when your kids are theoretical! 

May 13, 2005
Ethan's 9 month photo is posted here! The boy just didn't want to sit for a photo shoot today. Last month he was lunging off of the couch, this month he kept trying to crawl off. It was quite the fun game (for him). Now he's insisting on trying to grab my scrapbooks which are ill-placed on the floor here in my office. I keep picking him up and putting him back in the living room to play with proper toys, but within a minute he's back here under my feet again, reaching for my books. I'm currently holding my foot against the book stack and Ethan's crawling over my foot to get back there. I've mentioned how he loves electrical sockets, too. He's a determined little thing. Whenever I pull him away from something he shouldn't be heading for or getting into, he growls at me. It's honestly, a growl. "Gggggrrrwwww," he says, with the sound emanating from his belly. It's been great fun trying to keep him away from Natalie's crayons. The other day it felt like Natalie and I were playing 52-card pickup, as we were scrambling to pick up crayons and Ethan was grabbing them just as fast. It's also great fun trying to hold him still enough to change his diaper, or heaven forbid, his clothes these days. He screams and thrashes around like we're poking him with needles! I don't dare change him on countertops like I did Natalie, who always sat so still and patiently. It's always on the floor with Ethan! Little Wiggleboy!

He fully stood up against the couch yesterday, so I'm revising my prediction of earlier this week: I think he'll be fully walking within the next couple months, not just cruising. Yesterday he also got interested in the stairs for the first time; his sister and daddy had gone upstairs and he wanted to follow, so he went to the foot of the stairs and looked up, then put a hand on the first step. Then looked at me as if to say "is this okay?" I was right there behind him, but he didn't get up the step. Yet. I know it won't be long before I live in a gated community again. We just haven't figured out how that's going to work with Natalie.

Yesterday I got the last of our boxes unpacked. All that's left to do to get settled in is to get the remaining photo frames up. Yesterday I got a lot accomplished with getting the kids' rooms set up, getting everything arranged in ways that make sense. I'm using lots of shelving to keep the toys under control. (That's another thing I have to think about that I never did with Natalie - he's already trying to pull up on shelves and furniture, so I need to look into those latches that secure stuff to the walls.) Today I found a twin bed head/footboard and frame at a garage sale, so we'll get that put up for Natalie in a couple days. (She's definitely outgrown her toddler bed, we discovered after she slept so well in the big bed at the hotel, and then started asking for her own "big bed".) At one point yesterday, both kids were happy playing with toys in Ethan's room, so I started emptying out the last box of stuff in our room. (Peeking back in every few moments, of course.) Now, Natalie adores Ethan, and of course it's mutual. He giggles and smiles whenever she looks at him. But sometimes she loves him a little too tightly. Around the neck, usually. So I keep a close eye on them. I looked in on them one time, and they were both playing TOGETHER! WITHOUT PULLING THINGS AWAY FROM EACH OTHER! with the LeapFrog activity table, that Ethan is just now getting into since he's wanting to pull up on things. They were both pushing different buttons, and then Natalie put her arm around his shoulders (nicely and gently) and then gave him a kiss on his head, then they both continued playing. Made my heart go pitter-patter. It's these scenes that I will have to keep in mind in years to come, when Ethan gets strong enough to hold his own.

Am I a bad mom if I admit that I'm a little sad that Natalie is speaking more real words these days? I've noticed that just within the last few weeks, she's started losing her Natalie-isms and is speaking real English. "Rah-Rah" has become "Aunt Sah-wah". "Nee-Nee-Nee" turned into "Aunt Nee-Nee". She says just about everything, and even attempts to repeat bigger words that I say. She's even figuring out complex situations, like what red, green, and yellow mean at the stoplight, that when my car dings at me I need to get gas, and then last night was a real interesting one. We were driving past the church where we got married, and when I pointed it out to Natalie, she said, "you didn't have any kids then. God made us after you got married." There are definitely difficult things we have to deal with in 3-year-old land, but lots of great moments too. I just have to keep telling myself, in getting through the hard days, to "think on those whatever is good, noble, etc." things!

May 11, 2005
I'm back after too long of a break! Whenever I don't get on here and write often enough, I know I miss out on lots of things that are important. Plus I don't get in the detail that I would like, because I have too much to just get written down. Something general readers might appreciate (brevity) but I know that some day down the line I'm going to like the details for myself. 

We just got back from a trip to Springfield, Missouri on Sunday morning - morning meaning 4:45 am. Needless to say we didn't make it to church on Sunday morning for Mother's Day. It was also Phil's 32nd birthday that day. At least this year we weren't driving on his birthday. (Last year we were on our way up from Florida on May 8.) We didn't do much for either Mother's Day or his birthday, though. We mostly just slept in and then lazed around all day. That drive just seems longer every time we go. Of course, this was also the first time we've taken the trip with two children -- that's enough there to make any outing exhausting, let alone two 12-plus hour drives within two days of each other. We left last Wednesday following church and made it to Springfield just before noon the next day. Phil's sister Julie graduated from Evangel on Friday. The kids and I spent about half of the graduation walking around outside the ceremony, but at least I did get to see her walk across the stage. It was very nice seeing her and family. This was Phil's family's first time meeting Ethan. They were all smitten, of course. Natalie really loved spending time with her Aunt Julie, as has been the case every other time we've spent time with her. I'm just always so amazed at how quickly Natalie cozies up to her; it's just not like Natalie at all. There's just something about Julie that Natalie really loves. Maybe it's how much they look alike! We got Natalie's hair cut last week (short - more about that later) and now her hair looks even more like Julie's, because it's curling up just the same way. We're all just trying to recuperate from the trip now, and work back into a routine. 

This is something I've been meaning to write for a couple weeks now: Natalie finally figured out that she can climb out of bed by herself! Ever since last June when she got the toddler bed, she's still called out to us in the morning to come pick her up. Now, she still most often calls out to us, but then less than a minute later her we see her little blonde head popping over our bedside. It's kind of nice, because now when she gets up she usually snuggles in with us for a few minutes (so we don't have to get up), or she just plays in her room or downstairs. My baby's getting so big! 

Early last week, I decided that it was time to get her hair cut, short. I've been trying to grow it out because I like the look of long hair on little girls, and it would have been nice for Nan's wedding this October, but it was just becoming a source of frustration and arguments every single day, and I decided, this just isn't worth it! She refused to put pony tails in her hair (she pulled them out as soon as I got them put in), or when I just combed her hair, she would shake her head as soon as I was finished, making it look like I never combed her hair. I was tired of her looking like a ragamuffin, and I was mostly tired of yelling at her about it. So it's cut now in a cute little bob, right about chin length. It's really cute! If I would have known how cute it would be, and how much easier to take care of, I wouldn't have even tried growing it out. It's going to stay short now, at least until she can start combing her own hair!

Ethan is now full-fledged crawling. He's been getting around lately using his own methods, but now he's using his hands and knees in the traditional method. It's really cute, but now his poor little knees are getting all scuffed up. I got him some knee pads today - basically little leg warmers. That will at least help with when he crawls around outside on our patio cement! (When Natalie started crawling it was going toward winter, so her little knees were always covered.)  Ethan's also starting to pull up onto furniture. Now that he's mobile he's not content to stay put. I don't doubt that he'll at least be cruising before his first birthday. He wants to be up, up, up. I've got to watch him so much closer than I did Natalie; he tries to pull himself up on things that aren't that stable, and he always wants to get into everything, including Natalie's not-for-under-3 toys. (And of course it's next to impossible to keep all her favorite toys, especially markers, crayons, and paper, out of Ethan's reach. He gets fiber in his diet from paper these days.) Ethan also has a fascination with electrical sockets. They're all plugged, but still. He goes right toward them over and over again. This boy will be keeping me on my toes, I predict!

What makes it all worth it, though, is that he's saying Mama now. It is so, so cute. You (or, at least I) forget how cute those first intentional words are. He's been saying Dada for awhile now, but the most he got out was "Mmmmm" for me. This past week he's been crawling toward me as he says "ma ma ma ma", and then he lifts his hands toward me for me to pick him up. This morning after we all woke up, I was turned the other way snuggled up with Natalie, when Ethan said "Mama!" and then smiled as I turned to face him.

Ethan is now on Albuteral again (his wheezing/coughing finally showed itself actually during his doctor appointment instead of right before and right after), and he's also trying out Prilosec (apparently reflux can start following a bout of pneumonia, and that could be causing his coughing) and now also, as of yesterday, Zyrtec (potentially allergies). He's been on the Prilosec since last week and it hasn't seemed to do anything, but today after giving him the Zyrtec he's seemed much better. When we got up this morning his coughing and wheezing was horrible, and even the Albuteral treatment didn't seem to help much, but after we gave him the allergy med, everything calmed down. We're giving it a two week trial, so hopefully we'll get this figured out. At his appointment last week, an early well-baby checkup for his 9 month, he had gained a little weight since last time, but it was significantly down from previous months. With the trouble he's had breathing, he just hasn't been eating well. 

I think that's enough for now. I'll post his checkup stats with his 9-month photo in a couple days. I don't have my paper with me so I can't remember exactly what his numbers were.