I spoke to Dr. Kern and he said to take her to the Children's Urgent Care center over here on the East side instead of the big hospital downtown. We got SO much better care there. It could be because, they told us, that Natalie was the sickest-looking kid they had had all day, but it was just generally more child-friendly there and we actually had people who understood our concerns and didn't just blow us off with, "ehh, she'll feel better in a day or two, thank-you-have-a-nice-day-goodbye". Some times I feel like a hypochondriac when it concerns my kids, but we knew she was really sick and we wanted some kind of real answer this time.  They were concerned about her fast breathing, and looking at her tonsils, they told us that they were full of pus and almost touching each other. Also she was getting a rash on a few places of her body. They did some chest x-rays, ran another strep test, and did some blood work. She did SO good through all of it. I know she wasn't feeling well because even when they were drawing blood she just laid there, not moving, crying, or flinching at all. The only time she really put up a fuss was when a specialist in infectious diseases came to take a look at her. She didn't like that lady poking and prodding around her tummy and her neck. Other than that, most of few hours we were there she just sat and half-slept in my arms. They gave her some Motrin when we first got there, and gave her half a teaspoon more than we'd been giving her, and it seemed to work a lot better than any we'd given her at home. (We've been now giving her that much, too.) By the time we left there, she'd perked up considerably. 

Well, as it turns out, that strep test came back negative too, so chances are very good that it isn't strep. And she also didn't have any ear infection. What she does definitely have is a viral pneumonia. The x-rays showed that clearly. That explains her labored breathing. And all signs from her blood work and from all her outward symptoms point to her having mono. We thought that she had gotten that back when Phil and I had it in June, but either she didn't, or this is possibly another viral strain that is the same as mono but isn't the Barr-Epstein virus. We'll find out for sure about that in a couple days. They have an instant mono test, but they said for kids her age it almost always comes back negative, and it did for her too. The longer one should be run on Tuesday. They are pretty sure it is mono. Which is bad on its own, but we found out that some kinds of antibiotics, including amoxicillin, when mixed with the mono virus, can cause other problems -- like her rash!  (Gee, thanks for that prescription doc!)

They gave her an oral steroid to open up her lungs and her throat, and that seemed to work pretty quickly. (It's the Orapred, the same kind we've given to Ethan many times.) Last night her breathing was much better. I have to give that to her for the next couple days, too.  As far as the mono virus, there's nothing we can do other than give her the Advil and ride it out, and hope and pray that it just doesn't get worse again. It's been so hard seeing my little girl so sick, and it's been for a full week now that she has eaten anything of substance. Between Friday night and our hospital visit last night, just two days, she'd lost over a pound. This morning she is looking so skinny. And since she's breathing hard through her mouth, her lips are all dried out. She woke up this morning with dried blood all over her lips. Through it all she's doing very good at handling it; she just mostly wants to snuggle up in my arms as much as possible. We're watching so much TV that I am starting to feel guilty that Ethan is getting an addiction. Everything you read says you shouldn't let kids under two watch ANY TV, and if any, definitely no more than two hours a day. Well, we're way over that quota and it's been every day for a whole week now. What made that even worse, was on Thursday night I came down with a bad stomach bug, that kept me up all that night, and I was still sick with that until pretty much Saturday. So I'm low on energy from my own sickness, plus being up so much at night with Natalie, taking care of her so I haven't really had time to get better myself. Ethan's not getting his normal amount of mama time, and there has definitely not been as much playing around here. It's just pretty much the TV, all day every day. I feel bad, but I don't know what else I can do. Ethan's been handling it all pretty extraordinarily, actually. There have been times when he just cries and whines to be snuggled up on my lap, but mostly he's been very content to have less of my time. (Which, until this point, has never happened. Whenever Natalie was ever in my arms he'd throw a fit until I found a way to hold both kids -- and even then they would both start crying about who was in the better spot.)

Sometimes I feel like this journal is just a daily description of our medical issues. It is what it is, though. I write about what's going on, and lately there have been a lot of medical issues with all of us. Lately I've been really learning how I just can't take our good health for granted. First with my problems last month, that got me thinking about what really mattered. Then, on Saturday night, when Natalie was breathing really hard and I just laid and listened to her all night, it hit me again how precious my kids are to me and that I can't take for granted that we are somehow entitled to be healthy. When everyone has been healthy, it's so easy for me to complain about Natalie being irritating because of this or that, but when she's as sick as she has been, she's even more whiny than other times, but I just want to hold her tighter and somehow help her to feel better. I was so scared on Saturday night, but I didn't want to wake up the whole house and bring her to the hospital, because just the day before we'd been told it was just an ear infection and maybe strep, and that she'd start to feel better by Sunday, so I felt like I was being really silly for worrying like I was. By Sunday when we went, though, I was just beyond the point of caring if anyone thought I was a hypochondriac. My little girl is so precious to me, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. 

November 17, 2005
He walks! The boy is really walking! Though he's taken a few tentative steps here and there since last week, we think that yesterday was when we could finally declare that he is actually walking. Yesterday he figured out how to stand up by himself (tripoding to get up instead of holding onto things), then he stands there for a few seconds, and walks stiff-legged where he wants to go. Sometimes then falling back down into a crawl, but as of yesterday crawling is starting to happen less frequently than the steps. I took Natalie to see Dr. Kern yesterday afternoon (more on that later) and as we were leaving the office, I just couldn't carry Ethan along with the kids' books, toys, my purse, our coats AND the doctor's charts (for some reason they make the parents bring them back out to the receptionist -- as if we didn't have enough to carry out with our kids already). So I put all of said items into one hand (something I would have never thought possible B.C.) and I held onto Ethan's hand with my other hand, letting him walk out since I couldn't carry him. He'd gotten pretty good at walking just holding on to one hand, and he walked all the way out to the lobby yesterday. Then as I was getting coats on everyone, he just stood there waiting for his turn, and he starting pointing toward Natalie's Dora book that I had put down on a chair about five steps away from him. I told him, "If you want it, go get it, Ethan." So he did! He walked the whole way over there and got the book! Later yesterday, he walked almost everywhere he wanted to go, at least a few steps every time, before going back to crawling. Last night he took about eight steps. He's so very cute!

Oh, yes, the boy is a cutie. Though every time we ask him if he's cute, he VIGOROUSLY shakes his head "no" and laughs. (Unlike Natalie, who, when at this age we asked if she was cute, she pointed to her cheek to sign for "cute" and then right after that pointed to her head for "smart".) 

Natalie has been sick with something all week. Starting on Monday morning her eyes started looking puffy. On Monday I just thought that maybe she was really tired from our trip, but she's been sleeping a lot and still her eyes just got more puffy. Yesterday she wouldn't even wake up for lunch (she hasn't eaten much of anything since Sunday); she was laying on the couch and she told me "I just want to eat later, Mama." She then fell right back to sleep. Her eyes were so puffy that I could barely see them. She felt a little warm, too, so I called her doctor. When we got into the office, her temperature was over 102! Dr. Kern checked her out, and her ears are clear and so is her nose and throat, so he thinks it's just some kind of virus that settled into her eyes. I told him I'd never heard of  that before. He said it isn't common but it does happen, and Natalie was probably the worst case of it that he'd seen. Unfortunately since it's probably viral, there's nothing we can do for her except give her Advil and if the puffiness gets worse I can put a warm washcloth compress over her eyes. He said that she should be better by tomorrow, but if not I need to call him.

Mostly she's just been laying on the couch. (And, yes, the TV has been on almost constantly but that's part of being sick.) She either watches TV or falls asleep. Last night, after her dose of Advil, she was obviously feeling a little better because she wanted to color with her markers. She often colors over on the kitchen table. She was particularly quiet -- even more so than usual when she's coloring. Several minutes later she came around the corner and told us that she was done coloring, and I noticed that she had green marker all over her hand. Her entire left hand was green! Then, we saw it on her nose. And her cheeks. And over and under her eyes, like eye shadow and eye liner. Apparently she thought she would use the green marker as makeup! It was a pitiful sight, but really funny too. (Not that I could laugh, of course, I had to be very stern about how "you only color on paper!") Fortunately we have the Crayola washable markers...

So far Ethan doesn't seem to be getting sick, although something weird has been happening all week. It actually started on Saturday when we were in Kentucky. He's had at least five poops per day! They aren't runny, either - each diaper he has is just completely full and very solid. He's not nursing hardly at all anymore, which could cause some of his bowel changes, but my goodness, where is this all coming from???

And on that pleasant note...

November 14, 2005
We got back late last night from a little weekend trip down to Kentucky. We went to visit some friends of ours who are chaplains down at Ft. Knox. They are being transferred to Anchorage, Alaska in a month, so this was probably our last opportunity to see them for awhile. Can you imagine -- moving to Alaska in December? Dan and Ann have three older kids, and one little girl who is two weeks older than Ethan. She's walking all over the place. She seems so much more of a toddler than Ethan is! (He's 15 months old now, by the way, as of yesterday.)

We saw the place where all the gold is kept, but you can't get very close. Security was pretty tight around there! When we first got there on Friday night, at the main base gate they searched our van, and even made Phil and I get out while they poked around. They wanted the kids to stay in the car, so I just tried my best to stay in Ethan and Natalie's line of sight so that they wouldn't freak out. The whole thing took about ten minutes. They were very thorough! Our friends told us that they randomly stop people, and we were the ones picked. On Saturday we got a full driving tour of the base from our friends, and even got to see some soldiers in basic training all over the place -- running, rappelling, marching, getting yelled at by drill sergeants -- great fun. On Sunday after church (Dan's last time preaching there) we had lunch at their house and then took off back north. We stopped in Louisville and went to the zoo and the science center, both of which made us appreciate how nice ours are in Columbus! It was fun, though. We got to pet a giraffe at the zoo, and be inside of a big bubble at the science center.

I realized that I never wrote an update after my follow-up appointment last Thursday. The short of it is, we don't have any idea what is wrong with me, and there are no quick fixes or answers. But it is not cancer, thankfully, nor is it an "incomplete miscarriage" -- the biopsy apparently tests for that too. So, we just don't know why my body has been doing this. The plan is, for now, to continue on with the hormones that I'm on, and hoping that the side effects just go away. There is no other lower dose of combination estrogen/progesterone to try than the one I'm on (it's only 15 mg). She also said, if it's the estrogen that is causing my nausea and headache, that we could try the depo-provera shot, which is just progesterone, but it's not recommended for me because it's known to cause bone mass reduction, and osteoporosis is so prevalent in my family already. (And if the depo-provera affects me the same way the Provera medication did back when I was trying to get pregnant with Natalie, which was the worst hormonal swings I've ever had, that wouldn't be any better anyway.) So apparently my body is just really sensitive to and just does not at all do well on artificial hormones. I'm going to finish out this month on it, and we'll see how it goes. My other option is to go back off of it and hope that I don't go back to having 7-10 day long (and heavy) periods every two weeks. If I don't take the hormones, that could mean that my cysts get worse, but I just can't live with constant nausea and this ever-present headache from now till menopause, either.

November 9, 2005
Yesterday Ethan took his first steps! Yes, the boy really will walk eventually! I had been sitting with him on the couch, then he wanted to get down to go play. I set him down, and as usual lately, he doesn't plop right to the floor but instead stands on his feet for a few seconds. The next thing I know, he's taking off. He took two steps forward, then fell down to his hands and crawled the rest of the way. He had no idea what he even did. Later, after dinner, he did the same thing. He actually did about three steps that time. It almost looks like he's just falling forward, because he takes a couple steps that just roll down into crawling, but they are definitely his first real steps, even if he would never admit it. He's actually been a little less anti-walking lately. Earlier this week we did "step step step" all around the house -- he did a couple "laps" just holding onto my fingers -- and he was back to giggling and saying "teh! teh!" again, the whole time. (Instead of flopping down into a pout every time we asked if he wanted to take steps.)

Mmmm, I'm really enjoying a good piece of apple pie right now. I made it yesterday and it is just sooo yummy. I made it with whole grain crust and no yucky Crisco, either. (We've gotten pretty good lately at cutting out hydrogenated oils from what we eat. It's hard though, because just about everything that's packaged has them!) As much as I don't like the cold season coming, I'm enjoying the fall. We got some really good apples at an apple farm this year. The kids like them too. I have an entire drawer in my fridge filled with apples, and it's been one of the first snacks they go for every single day. Unfortunately Ethan won't eat any of the skin, so we find little apple skin pieces all over the house. He's pretty efficient with spitting them out but keeping all the "good" part, too. In goes a bite of apple, and almost instantly, out comes the skin. Talented boy. I remember Natalie did this too. She eats the skins most of the time now, though.

November 7, 2005
Two things to note today. First, I got my biopsy results back, and I don't have uterine cancer. I still don't know what's wrong with me, but I've very glad to report that at least I can rule that out. And now we don't have to worry about getting denied on the life insurance that we just signed up for. (This whole thing got us thinking about doing what we should have done about the time Natalie was born. We thought we'd better do it now, because if I was diagnosed with cancer, the chances of getting a low rate for life insurance --or any life insurance, for that matter-- would go way down.) I have another appointment with my ob/gyn on Thursday, where we will go over the results and what that means for going forward to figure out just what is wrong with me. I also want to talk about this birth control I'm on, because it's giving me unpleasant side effects. I've had a headache almost nonstop for over a week now, and I mentioned before about the nausea. I didn't know if those were related to the hormones or not, but I read through the pamphlet that came with the medication last night, and those are the two most common side effects, along with weight gain. Unless this is something that your body eventually gets used to and the nausea and headaches go away, I just can't live like this long-term. I'm willing to give it a shot for another month, but only if they tell me the side effects go away. I've been popping pills all week long and nothing takes away the headache. I'm also still having really sharp pains in the area where they did the biopsy. I want to ask about that too. 

The other thing I wanted to report today, is that last night I got my first full night's sleep since Ethan was a few months old! For the past few nights he had been waking up frequently, but he hasn't asked to nurse. (He still does when he gets tired during the day and at bedtime, but in the middle of the night he's gone quickly back to sleep as soon as Phil puts him next to me.) Last night, he woke up at around 12, when Phil and I were getting ready for bed. Phil went to pick him up out of his crib and put him next to me while I was reading, and he was out like a light again. After a few minutes, Phil took him back to his crib and he settled right in. This morning, when our alarm went off, I felt over to my right side, and there was no baby there! (Many times over the course of this last almost year and a half, I haven't even remembered when Phil brought him in and put him between us.) It was a weird, and very pleasant, wake up experience this morning! I was able to get into the shower, and then afterwards even straighten up a little around the room and have a slow start to the morning, before Natalie woke up and wanted to snuggle for awhile. So I laid down with Natalie for about 15 minutes, and we got some good snuggle time in before Ethan woke up. In fact, he didn't even wake up until I was going into Natalie's room to get her dressed. I hope this is a trend that will continue!

November 3, 2005
Apparently the night before last was a fluke. Last night Ethan was miserable and crying, thrashing around, and angry that he wasn't nursing. All night.

I got my hair cut yesterday! It cost a little more than we're used to paying for haircuts, but I went to the salon at Macy's at Easton. First of all because I didn't want to get a $10 haircut when I was doing a drastic change, and secondly, because about 20 feet away from the salon is a free play area for kids 3 and up. So Natalie went to go play, and I only had to deal with keeping one kid happy while I got my hair chopped.

These pictures are a little dark so you can't see quite how full my hair looks now, but it turned out pretty much exactly like I had been hoping. (I had found a photo in a magazine of the style I wanted.)

I was just really tired of the same hair, and with so much of it falling out in recent months, leaving me with very little hair up on top, it was just looking really yucky. So, with shorter hair it looks like I have more hair again. Everyone so far really loves it. Phil did a double take when he first saw me. People at church didn't recognize me. Natalie really likes it too. When I came to pick her up from the play area, she said, "I really like your hair mommy. I love you mommy!" She also says that she likes it that she can see my ears.

November 2, 2005
Make sure you see the pictures at the bottom of the page today; they are from trick or treat night, which was Monday. Ethan wasn't too sure about the whole thing at first, but he warmed up pretty fast once he realized what people were giving him. At one point he decided he didn't want to wait till we got home, and we looked down at him in his stroller and he was munching on a peppermint patty. Along with the foil wrapper it was contained in. Natalie made sure to tell him that "we don't eat it until we get home, Ethan". He only got a bite or two in, anyway. We were out for less than an hour, and the kids both got way too much candy anyway. Previous years we've been going around my mom's neighborhood, but this year we went around this area, in the next development over which are those condo-houses. They are much closer together than the houses in my mom's neighborhood, so even though we weren't out very long, they got more than enough. To share with their parents.

It's been a long week, since last Thursday. Ethan's had a runny nose for the last week or so, and then Saturday morning he woke up, or more accurately, he woke us up, because he was gasping for each breath. He was really struggling. It sounded he was having an asthma attack. So we gave him a dose of the albuterol, which I hadn't given him since early last Spring.  That first dose did nothing, he was still having trouble just getting a breath. I called his pulmonary clinic doctor, and they told us to give him another dose of it, then head down to Children's Hospital.  By the time we got there, his breathing was somewhat improved. He was still struggling for breath but he wasn't gasping anymore. They gave him a dose of oral steroids, which seemed to help right away, and also gave us an albuterol inhaler, instead of using the nebulizer machine. He doesn't like that anymore than the nebulizer, but it's much quicker. We just give him two puffs of it, and he breathes it in through a tube called a "spacer". We have to force him to keep the little tube against his face, but it's better than sitting there for 10 minutes and not even knowing whether or not he's getting any medicine or not (since he's so wiggly). The doctors at Children's told us that they actually don't think what Ethan has is asthma, at least it wasn't this time, but is something called "Reactive Airway Disease", or RAD. It basically acts like asthma, except that it happens when he is exposed to allergens or has a cold, and it makes his lungs overreact. They said it wasn't asthma because he was gasping when he inhaled, not when he exhaled. They couldn't hear any wheezing. Apparently, Ethan woke up on Saturday morning with croup, which does sound right. He's had a barking cough and has been feeling just pretty miserable. I think he woke up feeling a little better today, though. He seemed happier this morning, and I haven't heard him coughing quite as much.

It's been hard with him being sick, though, because he hasn't gotten his normal comfort of nursing. He's still nursing a little bit, but my milk supply has already greatly decreased, so basically he will nurse for just about a minute and I feel really empty. Which makes him angry! He's been patting me on the chest a lot, signing "night night", and attempting to lift up my shirt, and when I don't respond the way he's hoping he goes into crying fits. We've had lots of tears around here recently, especially at night. During the day I've nursed him (very briefly) once or twice, but then at night of course that's all he wants. (Especially since he's sick.) Last night, I think he finally started accepting the idea that mama wasn't going to nurse him at night, and he slept a little better. Not great - he's been waking up every 30 minutes at the very least, either from wanting to nurse or from a coughing fit - but last night he actually settled back down and went back to sleep faster than any of the previous nights. I hope that means he is starting to accept it. Most of the time during the day I can distract him, except for when he's really tired and wants to be nursed to sleep, especially when we're home. Night time has been nursing time, though, so that's a hard thing for him to change. 

I haven't heard any news yet from the biopsy. It will just be seven days from tomorrow, though, so I haven't expected to hear yet. I don't know if this is a side effect of the hormones or not, but other than the drying up of my milk, I've also been experiencing almost constant nausea. There have been several times that I feel like I'm just going to lose it, but then I don't, so I just continue to feel nauseated, all day long, no matter what I eat or don't eat. Kind of like "morning" sickness! The other disturbing thing that I had late last week, mostly on Friday night right before bed and then constantly through Sunday, was a pretty big ache in my side, right where they took out the tissue for the biopsy. It was weird, having such a sharp and constant pain, but only right where they suctioned it out.

Time to go now -- Ethan is insisting on being nursed as long as I'm sitting down over here, so I have to go change activities. He's not at all easily distracted, though.