At two months (plus a week), Ella has found her hands. She found them this weekend, and it appears that she's trying hard to learn how to suck on her fingers. She doesn't care much for the pacifier, though she'll suck on it a bit when she's really fussy and I can't feed her right away. Lately I've been seeing her little fingers making their way into her mouth, though. Neither Natalie or Ethan sucked on their fingers, so this is a new thing for me. It's really cute, but if she decides to become a thumb or finger sucker, I'm sure it won't be as cute when she gets older and we can't just take away the pacifier like we did when Ethan lost his need to suck all the time.

Ella is smiling more these days, but she's not yet at the stage of smiling at everything all the time. She seems much more serious most of the time. She's not necessarily fussy (though she does seem to fuss a little more than the other two -- maybe she just has to in order to be heard around here), but she just seems to be naturally inclined to have more serious facial expressions. It's still early, though.  She does have beautifully expressive eyes, that I'm almost convinced are turning light blue like Natalie's. Her cheeks have really plumped up, and she looks so much like Ethan! (Who, I'm now convinced, looks just like me. We had my grandma's 80th birthday party this weekend, and there were a few photo albums around. I found a picture of myself at about the age of two, and it was the spitting image of Ethan, only with long hair. I mean really, it was like seeing a little girl clone of Ethan. I was even making that same sideways smile that Ethan does!)

I'm not going to write too much about this, but I don't want to hide it either, because it's been hidden too often by too many new moms. I went to my doctor last week because at nine weeks postpartum I still have not been able to shake the "baby blues". I remember feeling this way after I had Natalie, but I just thought, as a first time mom, that "this is how you feel after having a baby". I felt bad for at least a year, and probably a little more. Then I had Ethan, and I had about four DAYS of feeling emotional, and it was gone. BIG difference. Maybe it's a girl-hormone thing with me, but I decided that, now that I know the difference, I don't want to suffer for a year or more again this time. Dr. Kelley did an evaluation on me, and I hit every single one of the associations with postpartum depression, with the exception of feeling suicidal. Now, I want to note that I was diagnosed with moderate PPD, and not the scarier, more rare versions where it's been reported in the news of moms who hurt themselves or their children. I'm nowhere near that level. Anyway, I want to feel better, and I want to be able to smile more for Ella. I don't think I've had problems with bonding with her, but in my case I know that it's caused me to be less than rational in dealing with the other two kids, so it's not fair to them, either. I've started taking Zoloft, which is the safest to take while breastfeeding, so hopefully I'll start to feel better soon. The doctor warned me that I might feel worse for the first couple weeks, but within six weeks or so hopefully I'll be feeling more like myself again. 

Natalie said something last week that I think is really cute. She was drinking her milk, playing with her brother, and she said, "Ethan," (she, as The Oldest Kid, often launches into discussions that sound more like lectures) "Our milk that we drink comes from cows. Ella's milk comes from God." As usual, the girl has good insight.

January 15, 2007
Joyous births and a sad loss...

What a week it's been for the babies in our lives. First, Ella is two months old today. I posted her new picture. I got one with her smiling, but the color was all off on it, so I posted the other one I got taken before she started getting fussy and Natalie and Ethan couldn't wait for their turn in front of the camera any longer. Maybe I'll try for another one later today. My friend Ashley had her third, baby boy Coen, on Friday. He's adorable, and they are doing really well. My friend Allison had her second, baby boy Dermot, yesterday. (Nine pounds 10 ounces, and a home birth. Yeeowweee...) 

And we're mourning a heartbreaking loss, too. My friend Emma had her twin boys, very early at 28 weeks 1 day, on December 20. Abe, the smaller baby, continues to hang on, having good and bad days, but Heath fought all he could, and went to rest in the arms of Jesus on Friday evening. Emma hadn't even gotten to hold little Heath while he was still with us, because he was so fragile. I just can't even imagine the pain that her family is going through. I can't begin to imagine it and I wouldn't presume to. I went looking for a card for her this weekend, and so many of them sound so trite. There are no words when you lose a baby. Emma has become a very dear friend to me over this last year, and I'm just so heartbroken for her. I'm going to pick up her four year old, Livvy, for a play day with Natalie on Wednesday. I wish there was something more I can do to help take away her pain, but there are just no words and nothing I can do except let their family know how much we love them and are hurting for them. And just continue to pray that Abram gets stronger and healthier.

January 9, 2007
Nights like last night make me oh so glad that Phil and I both are people who see a football game as just a football game, and not a virtual (or actual, who am I kidding?) religion, as many people do in this city. Because boy, it was bad. I thought the Buckeyes were going to play in the national championship last night. I'm not sure who it was that actually showed up. Oh well, and so it goes, and on with real life. Certainly nothing, ahem, worth trying to schedule the birth of a baby around...

Natalie, Phil and I all had a bad stomach bug this weekend. Natalie started it off on Friday night. I woke up early Saturday morning with it and was miserable all day, through about midday on Sunday. Phil started feeling bad midday on Saturday but didn't actually get the relief of vomiting until Sunday morning. So far Ella and Ethan haven't gotten it, so maybe whatever it was they had that caused the ear infections kept them from getting what the rest of us had. I wonder if we picked it up at the ER last week, because there were a ton of people there who were looking really sick there. (And of course going to the ER for it because of our stellar health insurance coverage in this country.) Everyone seems to be recuperating now. The three of us with the stomach bug are better but still feeling residual dehydration. Ella and Ethan seem to be getting better, although I'm going to suggest an alternative to amoxicillin for Ethan for any future occurrence, because he had a really bad reaction to the medicine. He had the worst diaper rash I've ever seen, which made him walk around all weekend like a cowboy, and he shook -literally- and screamed at the thought of even diaper cream being applied to him. He tried to hide (and even lied to try to cover it up) every time we asked if he had a poopy diaper, which of course just made the rash worse. Ah, what a fun weekend.

On a positive note, my ankle is recovering amazingly fast. For how hugely swollen my foot was, and the fact that I couldn't even move it or put any weight on it at all even on Sunday, leads me to believe that the many prayers I got for it on Sunday really did work. By late afternoon yesterday, I was able to put some weight on it, at least long enough to stand up to do the MOUNDS of dishes that had collected over the weekend of us all being down and out. By last night, it still hurt a lot but I was able to walk a little, using the crutches for support. This morning I could walk and just use one crutch for support, and now I can hobble...very slowly... across the room, carrying Ella!!! in my arms, without the crutches. If I take off my ankle support and ace bandages, I can't put any weight on it at all again, and it throbs a whole lot, but as long as they are on, I'm doing amazingly good!

Two very cute things I wanted to mention today. First, Natalie did something really cute yesterday afternoon that she'll likely be embarrassed by years from now, but I had to write it down. I was sitting with my foot up in bed, holding Ella, and Natalie came and sat down next to me. She laid her head on my shoulder, and then started smelling my arm. She smelled my arm at my shoulder, my elbow, my forearm, and my hand. Then she just laid her head back down. I looked at her and said, "Why are you sniffing me?" She just answered, "Oh, just..." and trailed off. I said, "Just wanted to smell mom?" She said yes. I asked her what I smelled like, and she said, "just mom".

This morning as I was getting into the shower (a fun task when you can't stand up straight on two feet!) Ella was sitting in her car seat at the door of the bathroom, and Natalie was keeping her entertained. Natalie was just talking to her, and then suddenly Ella started smiling. REALLY big smiling, and it wasn't momentary at all. Her smile just didn't stop! Every now and then it would start to fade, but Natalie quickly found out that if she kept talking, Ella would keep smiling at her. It was so cute. I told Natalie, "Ella must really love her big sister! She's never even smiled at ME for that long!"

January 5, 2007
Yep, we're all alive, if not completely well. Ethan and Ella have been sick since before Christmas, and on Tuesday I took them to the doctor, and found that Ethan has a double ear infection and one of Ella's is infected, making for not so happy campers around here. Ella smiled for the first time the Thursday before Christmas, but then I didn't see more than one or two again until just today. She has been feeling pretty rotten. It's sad to see her frown so much, and throw up so much. Until about Wednesday evening, she was throwing up after every single feeding. (Which makes getting her the antibiotic a real challenge...)

So everyone is at least on the way to being on the mend, and then, well yesterday I had to fall down again, for what has become my every year and a half trip to the ER to get my ankle x-rayed. This time, I fell down two stairs out in the garage. I had gotten the kids into the van and was walking back around to my side to get in, and I had to go back up the stairs to shut the house door. My ankle rolled, as it does frequently, and I fell down both stairs to the ground. I hobbled over to the passenger side door, got in and called Phil from my cell phone. By the time he got home, my ankle (left one) had swollen so bad that it looked like my foot had swallowed a goose egg. It is pretty yucky looking. When I fell, I felt a snap, so I was really glad to learn that it wasn't broken. It's the worst sprain I've ever had, though. (I must have really strong bones but really defective tendons...) I'm on crutches, unable to put any weight on my foot or move it at all. Which makes caring for an infant with no head control lots of fun. Today I spent most of the day with my foot propped up, laying in bed, holding Ella. Hoping the other two would pretty much take care of themselves. When I had to get up to help them with something, I did put Ella down briefly, but with her still being sick she wants to be held a lot, so if I leave her for more than a couple minutes she gets upset. For lunch today, I discovered that I can hobble around with Ella in my front carrier. It makes walking with crutches harder, more exhausting, but at least it works. Natalie is being so, so helpful right now. I couldn't have gotten lunch put out on the table without her help, and she repeatedly got me needed supplies today.

Oh- I did find out, when I took the kids to the doctor on Tuesday, that Ella is now 11 pounds even; even with being sick for the last couple weeks she's still growing fast.  Just in time for antibiotic-induced runny poop, she's outgrowing her size 1 diapers!

That's about all I can stand to sit here and write for now. Life has been getting in the way of writing about life lately!