We had a good Thanksgiving. Ethan also enjoyed his dinner, I'm sure. Natalie has been asking "PB go?" or "Beal go?" almost every day, but when I tell her that, "Remember? They went to go live with the other kitties" she doesn't seem too upset. A couple times she has said she misses them, which makes me feel sad, but I just tell her that mama misses them too, and then try to get her attention on other things. Overall I think she is taking it okay. It does feel pretty strangely quiet around here; even though they didn't make much noise, the house does feel emptier. It felt weird to be able to turn off our basement lights and fully shut that door that first night. The other day I opened up a can of food and noticed that there were no cats coming running. I did reflexively turn and look down as I opened the can, then remembered. 

It's also been five years now since my dad died in the car accident. I can't believe it's already five years!  So many times I look at Ethan, at how much he looks like my dad, and think, "he finally got his boy". 

November 24, 2004  
Once upon a time, "BC" -- meaning, Before Children, Phil and I lovingly had the little phrase "Home is where the kitties are". We would come home from vacations and say how much we were sad to see it over, but we had the kitties to come home to. They were definitely our babies, until real babies came along. Then they were no less loved, but they became...cats. We are now no longer a cat-owning household. Since Ethan was born, PB reverted back to her jealousy/revenge pee-ing, just like she did after Natalie was born. We tried to re-litter box train her, tried caging her for awhile, and even repainted the basement floors where she pees the most. Nothing helped, and she kept doing it for the last couple years. Until Ethan was born it had become less frequent, but then she started it up again. Our house was smelling like cat pee, no matter how often or quickly we cleaned up after her. Tabeal several times a week vomited all over our house. All in all, we just couldn't deal with it anymore. Not with two kids, who we don't want to have to live in a house with kitty pee and vomit.  It was a really difficult thing, though. We've been thinking about this for a long time, and in the last couple weeks agonizing over when, and if we should keep Tabeal. Up until this afternoon we still weren't sure. We'd told Natalie that we had to say bye-bye to PB, that she was going to go live with other cats. She said bye pretty easily to her. This afternoon she even said to me, "PB not bite me anymore." (Sometimes PB would nip at Natalie when she would push her off the couch or such.) Natalie didn't like PB all that much. She was my kitty though. For the past few days she'd been especially cuddly, which was making it harder. Natalie didn't want to say goodbye to Tabeal, though, even though they don't really have much of a relationship since Tabeal didn't like to be around people all that much. When Phil came home from work we just decided, okay, let's just do this and get it over with. Natalie is still young enough that we can usually distract her pretty well and keep our own faces cheery enough that she doesn't get too upset. When we got to the Humane Society, Phil brought PB in first. After several minutes, I brought both kids and Tabeal in, because Natalie wanted to give PB and Tabeal more treats. (She fed them to Tabeal to get her to go in her carrier and then the whole trip there she held the bag and wanted to keep giving them to Tabeal.) When I got in there, Phil told me the news: PB was too old to be adoptable, so she would be euthenized. I burst into (silent) tears, trying as best as I could to turn away from Natalie so she wouldn't get more upset. I had prepared myself for this possibility, but still, for it to be really happening was difficult. Tabeal is young enough, and very cute, so I think, I hope, she'll get a good home.  Natalie wanted to leave the kitty treats for Tabeal. We gave both kitties a hug and said goodbye.  We tried as best we could to stay upbeat and cheerful for Natalie, but when we started putting her in her carseat she started to cry - for Tabeal. I leaned in to her and gave her a kiss and said that yes, we're all going to miss the kitties, but that they were going to live with the other kitties and would be happy. Then we tried to get her mind off of it by letting her pick where to eat dinner. She wanted McDonalds. We went to the one by Tuttle, but they didn't have a play place, so we told Natalie we would bring the food over to a playground - at the Tuttle Mall, and she said she wanted to do that. When we got there, the whole play area was covered over with a Santa land!!!!  I just can't stand it these days when I promise Natalie that we are going somewhere fun, only to find it closed unexpectedly. She just doesn't understand why she can't go then...

I'm feeling pretty sad right now, but I'm just mostly concerned with how Natalie will adjust. She hasn't mentioned them since coming home, but I know she'll have to process this soon enough. She might realize something tomorrow morning, when we won't have cat dishes to fill up. (She liked to help me.)  Goodbye sweet kitties; we did have lots of good times together. I've never had no cats; even during college I could come home to visit my cat, Weebit. This will be a big adjustment for me, too.

November 22, 2004  
Things have improved with Natalie over the last week. I've been trying to internalize a lot of the stuff that Dr. Sears suggests in The Discipline Book. It all comes from using the background of attachment parenting, which worked well with Natalie's personality. I read through this book back when I was reading all of his books, but just like reading baby books before and after pregnancy, it's all much more relevant now that I'm needing to use it. Reality sinks in much easier than theory.

I'm also trying to turn over a new leaf and add more structure and discipline to my own life as well. I'd been reading lately, in several different books, about a website called Flylady.com, FLY meaning "finally loving yourself", which inspired me to get off my behind and actually get things accomplished, which makes me feel better about myself and my house. I don't let things get really gross and dirty around my house, but especially since Ethan was born but even before that, when I have a few minutes I don't tend to do anything with them. That's okay some of the time, but too much of it breeds even more inertia in me, and I was getting tired of feeling that way all the time. I would look around me at my house and the fact that I was still in PJ's at noon, and feel yucky. So, last week I printed out a blank calendar page, and I wrote down the things I was going to accomplish every day. I even put the kids' baths on the schedule. (As well as Survivor, Amazing Race, and The Apprentice nights. Some things just need to be scheduled around.) For every day, I have scheduled to make  my bed, clean up the kitchen all the way (nothing left in the sink!), and then also clean one more area of the house. By the end of the week, my whole house was really clean, and the only effort it took was getting over my own inertia. Since I only have scheduled to do one area a day other than my kitchen, it only takes a few minutes per day, which I can do even with a baby on my hip in his sling. Natalie has a couple times per day that she watches her "moo-dees" - Elmo at 12:10 and then a video in the afternoon, so I've used these times to do my cleaning up. And even if I don't get a shower in the morning before Phil leaves, I'm at least getting dressed and looking halfway presentable, so I don't feel so blah. It's only been a full week since I've started this, but I've liked the results so much - a clean house and feeling more energy - that I'm trying to keep it up. 

I've finally posted Ethan's 3 month picture. It's here. I also have a couple other pictures linked. I really am trying to take better pictures of him! I don't know why his natural cuteness doesn't want to come through in his pictures. He's an adorable sweet little thing. Three months old is so much fun.

One more thing I wanted to add today. I scanned the photo announcement that my mom found of me. It has my hospital newborn picture on it, and we were all just so amazed at how much it looks like Ethan. My mom said, right after he was born, that he looked like me. I didn't really see it until I saw this picture. She's right. What I think it so funny is that Natalie looks a lot like Phil, and Ethan looks a lot like me, but so many people say to me how much Ethan and Natalie look alike! What miracles babies are. 

November 12, 2004  
Happy 31st birthday to my sister Nan!  She just got engaged this week to Bruce, so double congratulations! I don't think they have a date set yet, but they are away to North Carolina to the Biltmore Estate this week, so we're all just hoping they don't come back married. :-)

Speaking of weddings, I have a wedding this weekend, so I probably won't be up to posting Ethan's 3 month update tomorrow night. I'll still get a picture of him taken tomorrow, but it just probably won't get posted right away. I took a cute picture of him sleeping this morning, though. (It's below.)

Ethan doesn't have a checkup this month, but I took him to see Dr. Kern this week because Ethan had a bad cold that just wasn't going away. (He had a fever that kept coming back, and an increasingly goopy left eye.) He was weighed, and he was 17 pounds 11 ounces!!!! Some people at church are saying "it's that baby 'miracle grow' you're feeding him!" I really think, like we suspected, that the 2 month check up weight was not right. The nurse did it really quickly that time, and I just can't imagine that he went from 14 pounds to this, in less than a month. Both Phil and I thought 14 pounds sounded a little too low last time, because he certainly felt heavier. 

Ethan is smiling all the time now, and talking a whole lot. From the very first day, Ethan has been very verbal, and he just gets even more so. He makes all kinds of sounds, like "ahhh-gooo!" and lots of gurgles. He talks and smiles a lot during diaper changes, but he likes to have conversations all the time. He really lets you know how he feels about things! I don't think he's nearly as laid back as Natalie was as a baby. Maybe he just knows that he CAN'T be, to get the attention he needs. We're still practicing the same methods of 'attachment parenting' like we did with Natalie, but just because Natalie is still needing a lot from us, it's different because there isn't that undivided attention! Ethan is in that very cute stage right now, where he is getting so much more aware and communicative - he's coming out of that "fourth prenatal trimester" time now. I remember that this was when Natalie really started becoming fun. He loves to talk to us, and is becoming aware of some toys too. So Natalie is starting to play with him now too, showing him rattles and pictures.

She's also getting much more of a handful these days. Dr. Kern said that jealousy starts to peak at about 3 months, so hopefully that means things will soon take a turn for the better. I think it's because now that Ethan is more communicative, he's more than just a little bundle in my arms; he's someone we're giving active attention to. It's so hard, because the one thing I told myself before Ethan was born was that I wouldn't do what I see so many parents do, which is have so much irritation and frustration with the firstborn once a baby arrives. I try to give Natalie lots of positive attention so that she doesn't resort to needing negative attention to get any at all, but it's so hard because the positives really are very few and far between right now. I know it's hard for her; she's at a stage that's typically negative anyway, and on top of that there's a new baby.  That's probably been the hardest part of my adjustment to life these days too; to see Natalie go from being a sweet, mostly always wanting to please and cooperate girl that hardly ever needed to be punished, to life now. It was such a sudden change (in my time frame anyway - 3 months is granted a lot longer time for her). I love and adore my Natalie as much as I ever did, but I honestly am not enjoying or liking her very much right now, and that is so hard on me to have that realization. I see myself saying and doing things that I said I'd "never do with MY child" -- getting frustrated and irritated at things that are just part of her being the age she is.  I think some of it is the natural protectiveness a mom has for her newborn, and I know from remembering when Natalie was this age that I'm in the midst of serious, but natural and needed for good bonding, falling-in-love time with Ethan right now. When I see Natalie hit or poke at his face, or take his face in her hands and try to shake him, I know she's just trying to love on him but it sends me into instant anger! It feels like she's constantly either screaming, whining (oh the WHINING!!!!) or just in general doing whatever she can to be annoying. Natalie, when you read this someday, I want you to know that no matter what circumstances ever are, you are the very apple of my eye and I love you more than my own life. It's so hard to be having so much frustration and anger with the child I love so much these days. To one minute be cuddled up on the couch with her, snuggled up and she tells me "miss you mama" (how she says I love you) and giving each other lots of hugs and kisses; you almost think things are the same as before. Then the next minute she is being willfully defiant or disobedient, and reality smacks you in the face. I couldn't expect things to stay the same; I knew Natalie wouldn't always be so obedient and always pleasant to be around, but it's the suddenness of her personality change that's thrown us for a loop. But, to everything there is a season... we'll get through this season too.

Oh, one other bit of good news! I found my small digital camera card, which had been lost since Ethan was born. I had been missing it for the sentimental reason that it had pictures on it from my last Natalie-and-me-only outing, the week that Ethan was born. We went to the fountains at Easton for Natalie to play, and I got some really cute pictures. It was in Phil's video camera bag this whole time, in a little pocket I didn't even know was there before this week. Yay!