They did an ultrasound on me, and saw two problems. One was, oh joy, polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). Again. My ovaries were pretty large. The other thing they found was that the lining of my uterus is really thick --way thicker than it should be after having all these periods. (Prior to the ultrasound, she mentioned that, at least with frequent periods, when you have PCOS, the lining can't rebuild very much so each period tends to be light and short, even if they are frequent. When I told her that they are VERY heavy, and very long, that concerned her.) At one point during the ultrasound, we saw a big mass of tissue which was obviously out of place in the otherwise empty black space of the ultrasound. That was part of the lining of my uterus, which was really thick. After the ultrasound, the doctor came back in and ordered a biopsy of the lining of the uterus.  That part hurt. They inserted some kind of suction tube into my uterus, which made me cramp up really bad and suddenly, and they took out some tissue, to check to make sure the cells look normal. I'll find out about that, she said, in about 10 days. 

In the meantime, I've now got to go back onto hormonal birth control. Which really upsets me. I know I need to do it, to get at least the PCOS under control, but it is hard. The last time I was on a chemical, hormonal birth control I said I would never do it again. I was on one of the lowest dosages possible, and still it made me gain about 30 pounds, and made me feel depressed all the time. I had not much of a desire to do anything, and I hated feeling that way. I didn't feel like myself. In the past I've tried many different brands and dosages, and they all had similar effects on me. The one they have prescribed for me now is supposedly even a lower dose than the one I had last time, so I'm hoping the side effects aren't as bad. But it is an estrogen/progesterone combination pill, not the "mini-pill", so this also means that my breast milk is going to dry up. Which is okay, I guess...Ethan is over a year old, so he doesn't necessarily need it anymore, but I let Natalie wean herself, and now that probably won't be the case with Ethan. It just makes me a little sad. I might have felt this way whenever it was he weaned, but just to have it thrust upon me, and him, will be difficult. I don't have to cut him off cold turkey, but it's likely that he'll wean. The other part of it that makes me sad is not knowing if this will be the last time I'll have a nursing baby. I don't know if we will have more kids, and if this is like the last time I was on birth control, the hormones messed me up so much that I needed fertility drugs to get a cycle started to get pregnant with Natalie, and I know that I won't do that again; not with already having two kids. So this very well might be it. It's okay, I mean, we might not have more kids anyway, but just to have this all thrown at you at once is leaving me a little emotional.

It was just, all in all, a very difficult afternoon. The appointment alone was bad enough, but Phil and I had decided that I would take the kids with me since he had some appointments scheduled, and I had been told that this appointment would likely to be just a consultation, no internal things, so I figured it would be okay to take the kids. They misbehaved so badly, both of them, the entire time. I just couldn't believe it, they were so uncharacteristically unruly. This was my first time at this office, and so they don't know that I normally have very well-behaved (at least when we're in public) kids. Ethan screeched the whole time, not his happy screech, but his "the world and Natalie are out to get me" screech. Natalie cried or whined the whole time about wanting this that or the other, and even at one point when I asked her to come stand next to me when I was checking out, she ran away from me and ran, yelling, into the waiting area like a wild child. It's not like I came unprepared, either. I brought books, coloring books, the LeapFrog game, other toys, and multiple snacks. Any one of which usually work to keep the kids happy, or at least content, for 45 minutes. That's all the time I was in there, and they both acted like I'd been making them sit still for three hours. It was dreadful. I felt like the worst parent ever. Like I said, none of these people know differently that my kids aren't usually so out of control. 

I've heard the saying before, and it's so true. Before you have kids, you are a perfect parent, knowing how everything should be done. After you have one, you're an okay parent. Now that I have two, I feel clueless. I'm just at a loss as to why Natalie has been acting this way lately. I've been setting aside lots of cuddle time for her too, and still she's acting out. To be fair to Ethan, he's working hard at getting his first molar out, which could cause a lot of his angst, but he's driving me up a wall too right now. I don't think there was a straight 5 minute period of time yesterday when he wasn't screaming -- even his nap was interrupted frequently. Both kids want to be held constantly, and neither child is happy when the other is in my arms. Neither do either of them want to share lap space; I tried that yesterday too, one kid on each side. That just made each cry louder. Oh, and Ethan was heavily medicated before we left for my appointment today, so his teething shouldn't have been a factor in today's behavior issues.

What a day.

October 24, 2005
Ethan had a new word today: "sister". Actually (said in the grand tradition of Natalie's favorite word lately, as in Actually, Daddy...; or Actually, Mama...),  Ethan's been saying "sister" for several days, but today it became more emphatic and Ethan really reveled in saying it. We were having one of those difficult kind of days, when Natalie was doing her very best job at trying to annoy both me and her brother continually and simultaneously. When she wasn't walking up to me just to poke me in the face, she was taking Ethan's toy or juice cup, or poking him in the face. Finally I felt about ready to snap, and not even a time-out on the stairs was doing anything productive to change her behavior. For the zillionth time today (or so it felt) Natalie pushed her brother away when he was just trying to play next to him. I said to her, "Natalie, if you want to play by yourself, just go play in your room for awhile. In fact, I want you to go play in your room for awhile." She thought this was a grand idea as well, so I lifted her over the gate and she went happily upstairs. As soon as she was out of sight, Ethan started looking up the stairs longingly toward his sister, and said, as best as I can render it in letters, "Sitttthbbb! Sitttttthhbb!" Kind of a wet strawberry, with a "ss" at the beginning. He did it over and over again, and started getting upset that she wasn’t down here with him, until I got him interested in playing with his bike, which for the first time all day was not being taken out from under him. He especially liked it that I let him know I understood what he was trying to say. When Natalie came back downstairs about 15 minutes later (we all felt better by then) Ethan heard her coming down the stairs and he said (his rendition of) "sister" again.

He really is attached to his sister. On Saturday we went out to various stores, and at one point I went back into the van to feed Ethan while Phil and Natalie walked on to an aquarium in the same shopping center. After I finished feeding him, my plan was to drive over to the other side of the shopping center, nearer to the store where they had gone, so that we wouldn't have to walk so far to come back (it was getting cold out since the sun was going down). Ethan would have none of it. He refused to get into his car seat, arching up and out of his seat faster than I could get the belt clicked. He said his "sister" word then, too, looking and pointing in the direction of the way she and Phil had walked. He was not going anywhere without her! I finally relented and said, "Okay, let's just walk." He instantly relaxed and was happy again. I asked him, "Where did sister and daddy go?" He pointed right to the aquarium. 

October 23, 2005
Last night I changed Ethan's diaper on the living room floor, and after I finished, I wrapped it up and said (jokingly, I thought), "Do you want to throw this away?" Ethan took it from me, rolled over onto his hands and knees, and crawled over to the kitchen trash, diaper still in his hand. Then he stood up, opened the trash cabinet door and put his diaper into the trash! It took a couple tries; he had a little trouble getting the cabinet door open with only one hand while he was standing up right in front of it, with the diaper in the other hand, but on the second or third try, he got it.

He's smart, that boy is.

Speaking of which, his favorite game right now is pointing to his eyes, nose, ears and mouth. And also pointing to ours. He especially loves pointing to the nose. This morning he woke up with a little cold, so I've been wiping his nose a lot. During church today (I was in the nursery with him) every time I wiped his nose he pointed to his nose and then mine. He also does the "point to the forehead" thing when we tell him he's smart, but often he points to his nose first. Natalie always did that too; it was one of my favorite things about this stage of babyhood. The screaming I can do without, but mostly this is a very nice age.

On the other hand, Natalie, who is not a baby anymore but is lately very easily influenced by friends, got in big trouble last week. My friend April came into town a week ago (and has since disappeared again, but anyway) and we spent the day together. Natalie got to spend time with her friend Sarah, but I was really uncomfortable with how some of her bad habits rubbed off on Natalie just in one day's time. The two kids were sitting in the back row of my van together, and several times I heard things come out of Sarah's mouth that I hoped Natalie wouldn't repeat. (It's not that I blame Sarah, of course; she's just in a difficult situation and around a lot of people who aren't good influences on her, either.) Mostly Natalie has been okay, but early last week we were upstairs brushing teeth, when completely out of nowhere she said to me, "Mommy's stupid." I turned around and asked her, "What did you just say?" Natalie said matter-of-factly, "Stupid." "What else did you say?" "Mama's....stupid," she said, now a little less sure of herself. I couldn't believe it, I was so angry. I wasn't expecting to hear things like that from her for quite a while. She got in big trouble for that one, and hopefully I won't be hearing that word, particularly in reference to me or Phil, for at least a few more years. 

October 20, 2005
I just finished vacuuming the house. (No, that's not what this journal entry is about; it's not that strange of a situation.) Remember how, when Natalie was younger, she had a deep fear of the vacuum? Truth be told, she still doesn't like it too much. She doesn't run into the other room anymore, but she still dives for the couch and sits there the entire time I'm vacuuming. Ethan doesn't have this issue. I can't get him to leave the vacuum alone. When he's not playing with the cord (usually when I have it stretched across the room so there's no slack to play with) he's often sitting right there in the middle of the floor, right where I need to vacuum. I usually have to vacuum the room all around him, leaving a little circle, then pick him up and move him to a spot a foot over so that I can finish the job. He also loves to try to reach out and touch the vacuum while I'm going all around him. Several times I could swear I've run over his fingers, because they just suddenly pop right down where I am going, but he doesn't even flinch. You'd think a loud, whirring machine would encourage a kid to stay back at least an inch or two, but not him.

Ethan's become quite the proficient little climber. I can't do a load of dishes, ever, without him insisting on climbing up onto the open dishwasher door.  And the kitchen chairs are no match for him anymore. He's been interested in them for a long time, but generally we just kept them pushed up flush against the table and he'd leave them alone. Until recently, when he learned that he has the strength to move those chairs wherever he wants them. (And the dining room is carpeted, too. What a genius design idea THAT is: plush carpeting in a dining area.) So now he pushes them out, and the next thing you know, I look over and he's standing up toward the back of the chair, looking mighty proud of himself. I know it's just a matter of time before he pushes one of those chairs over backwards and he finally gets a lesson in WHY Mama is always telling him that we SIT DOWN in chairs! Fortunately we have that carpeted dining area.

Lately the little man has been getting a toddler attitude. Suddenly I'm getting visions of tantrums to come. Not only the ear-ringing screeches that I wrote about yesterday, but when he doesn't get his way about something, if he doesn't scream at the top of his lungs, he plops himself down on the floor, folds his arms across himself, and puts his chin to his chest. He has been doing that quite a lot lately, even when I suggest something so benign to him as "let's take some steps, Ethan!" Two weeks ago he was wanting to take steps all the time (always holding onto something, of course, no steps by himself yet), saying "teh! teh! teh!" with each step across the floor. Now, for the past few days if he's cruising along something and I hold out my hands to help him take steps out across the floor, he plops down on the floor and gives me that pout. It's SOOOoooooo dramatic. According to my mom, and yes, even my own memories, he comes by this very naturally. I've been known to be a little (but just a little) overdramatic at times, too...

Last week, Natalie and I started some preschool home schooling stuff. I wasn't planning on starting formally (other than the "teaching" situations we just normally have) until she was four, but lately every time I looked at a workbook at the library or at stores, she's been practically begging to start learning things. She would ask almost daily, "Mom, can we do some teachin' books today?" (That's how she says it: "teachin".) So last week, we went over to a Holcombs store nearby and we went through lots and lots of books. I found a few that looked fun, and we sat down on the floor and I asked Natalie to go through a few random pages with me. I just wanted to see if she was really ready. (I had photocopied some pages of things from a library book a few months ago, and after one attempt at it, it wasn't fun for either of us so I figured it wasn't time yet.) She breezed right through a few of the first pages, correctly doing all the activities, and she wanted to go on to do more, so I figured she was ready this time. We've been doing it since last Thursday, right after lunch, for about 40 minutes. She's learning how to draw lines, and today circles (precursor to letters), finding different shapes, and we've gone through activities on writing and identifying the letters A and B, numbers up to ten, counting as well as writing numbers, and lots of matching exercises where she has to circle the ones that match and X out the ones that don't. She has had a little trouble with that one, especially when the pictures on the page are similar but have some small details that are different, but we're working on that a little more now. I found a book that is only about same and different, so she's getting a lot of practice with it. The thing I'm probably most proud about, other than seeing how much fun she's having with it -- if it were up to her we'd probably be done with the books already because she doesn't want to quit -- is seeing her write out the letters. Today we started the letter B, which was pretty hard for her (she keeps wanting to make it a D instead of a B) but boy does she have the letter A down. Just now, she was playing on the piano with Ethan, when she came up to me and said, "Look Mama, I made an A!" She had stopped playing on the piano and had gotten her markers out (eeeeggghhhh) and was using the piano bench for a table (uughhh). She showed me a paper and there were two almost perfect-looking A's. Now she's been doing that for the last several minutes, showing me her A's after she makes each one. I'll have to make sure I confiscate the paper when she isn't looking and save it in my scrapbooking files (which is where all my memories end up since I can't seem to get to the actual scrapbooking). 

Oh, speaking of Natalie and her accomplishments, Phil wanted me to note today that she does NOT have cavities. I don't know if I mentioned it on here or not some time back, but a couple months ago I noticed a gray spot on one of her back molars, right where all the crevices come together in the middle. I thought, Oh GREAT, another cavity, and this time it's not on a smooth surface that will be quick to fix. Then early last week I saw another identical spot on the molar right next to it. I called her dentist, which is hard to get into right away, and fortunately they had a cancellation for that afternoon. Turns out that they aren't cavities at all. Just some kind of stain. So she's getting to avoid having her teeth sealed for now. If that would have been two more cavities, I was going to ask about it. 

October 19, 2005
Well, we made it through my sister's wedding. I was so exhausted last week that I barely made it online even to check my email. Between recovering from the wedding weekend and Phil being gone most of the time, I was really tired. (Bankruptcy laws changed this past weekend, so everyone was rushing to file last week. Phil came home most nights in the middle of the night.) I'm looking forward to seeing the pictures and the video, because it was all a blur for me too. I had good intentions of taking lots of pictures, but like every wedding I'm involved in, I'm too busy to take pictures. One thing that I hope was captured on photos and on the video was Natalie as the flower girl. She was SO very cute. She had a basket (crocheted by my mom) that was filled with fall leaves. Her job was to walk down the aisle with the ring bearer, and of course, throw the leaves on the aisle ahead of my sister. As is usual with flower girls her age, she forgot. When she got to the front, next to me, I whispered to her, "Natalie, throw some leaves!" She took a big handful and flung them with all her might, right there at the top of the aisle. She put leaves on the entire aisle, though, when we recessed. It was really funny.  It was really cold that whole weekend (on the other hand, it was 78 degrees today! ahhhh!) so a big challenge was to get Natalie to take off her little sweater for the photos. She kept it off for most of them, but there came a time when she was getting to the end of her rope of being happy and smiling, and she did NOT want to take off the sweater. I told my sister, "Better a picture with her wearing the sweater than one with her screaming and throwing a fit..."

Both kids did really good during the whole weekend, especially considering how much we expected of them, day in and day out. They both actually stayed awake for the whole reception, too. I danced a lot with Ethan, because after being separated from me for about two days, he wasn't going to let go when Phil handed him over to me once the ceremony and dinner was over!

Today it was unusually, wonderfully warm outside. I took the kids to the Slate Run Historical Farm again, because it mostly closes up for the season after October. I figured we could take the kids to the zoo on warmer days many more times, but this might be the last time we could get to the farm this year. They loved it. Ethan has recently become very aware of animals, so he really enjoyed it. He especially loved the ducks. That's his favorite word right now. He usually screams it at the top of his lungs, "GUCKKK!!!". (Unless I purposefully bring the video camera and ask him to say duck, then he just says it in a soft voice, "guck, guck, guck.") He learned to say that word at Nan's wedding. The ceremony was on a gazebo overlooking a lake, and there were geese and ducks down there. During the rehearsal, Phil took Ethan out to the gazebo and he pointed right at them and started screaming "GUCK!!!" He also says shoes ("shhhhssss") and just about anything else you ask him to try to say. (In his own dialect, of course.) But mostly, the boy is just screaming. He has strong lungs. I think Natalie went in and out of the screeching phase pretty quickly, but Ethan isn't giving it up. If anything, he just gets louder. When he's really upset (like when I'm so mean as to deny him a fourth nursing in an hour when it's time for him to just GO TO SLEEP and he refuses to relax) he really lets you hear it. The boy makes your eardrums reverberate. No exaggeration. It hurts.

There's lots more to write about this time, but it's church night and I need to get supper going, so I'm going to post this now. I should also have some more photos up soon. To file all those bankruptcies last week, we got a wireless high speed connector for Phil's laptop, so maybe I can actually start posting photos again!

October 6, 2005
This week has been a whirlwind of activity getting ready for Nan's wedding, which is this weekend. It's also been a very difficult week, behaviorally, for Natalie. Finally yesterday afternoon I had an "ah-ha!" moment, so hopefully we can get her back on track of being her normal self. For the past few weeks, and then particularly this week, Natalie has just been downright mean to Ethan. On Monday morning, she hit him hard, right across the back, knocking him over. Completely out of nowhere. After lunch she was playing with Mr. Potato Head, which she plays with at the kitchen table because of the non-baby-safe small parts. Ethan was trying to get next to her to play too, but instead of getting the toys out of his reach, before I had a chance to intervene she had kicked him with her shoe on, square under the chin, knocking him to the floor. Mr. Potato Head has since been in "time out" on top of the fridge, where she can see it and remember why it's up there. The good thing is, every time she sees it, she is able to tell me that she can't play with it right now because she wasn't being nice to Ethan. But still the terror to her brother continued. On Tuesday evening, we were collecting books to go to the library, when she, again completely unprovoked, pushed her brother to the floor, knocking his forehead into the corner of the bookshelf. He now has a big purple line across his forehead, which we're hoping will go away by Saturday because I'm hoping to get a nice picture of the kids in their wedding clothes. If not, well, it is how it is. Natalie did feel bad about that one -- not only can she see the "big, big boo-boo" that she gave her brother, but that time Daddy was home and he took her upstairs for a serious talking-to. (Not that I don't do the exact same thing, but Phil seems to create more of an impression.) Well, after the past couple weeks where it has seemed it was one thing after another with her, yesterday morning I had the epiphany. Natalie's primary "love language" has always been, from the day we met her, physical touch. I try to hug and hold her as much as possible, but if it were up to her I'd probably still be carrying her around 24/7. No amount of physical affection is ever too much for her, and I probably hadn't been coming even close to meeting that need lately. Oh, we'd snuggle here and there, but with Natalie it really has to be something I do intentionally much more than I'm inclined to -- especially when she's been on my every nerve and acting out constantly, the last inclination I have is to be affectionate!  And that's what hit me: she has been acting out, using her love language but just inappropriately. She's been using her hands, feet, and entire body to touch Ethan, only instead of affectionately, she's been hitting, kicking, pushing and shoving. Ah-haa... So, yesterday while Ethan was napping, Natalie and I sat on the couch together, watching Dora, and she just let me rub her cheek, her neck, her arms, and her hair for an entire hour. She would lay one way, then a bit later turn her head around and say, "now this side, Mama". The change in her behavior yesterday afternoon was amazingly quick. She was pleasant again, and while she still hugged on her brother a little too much and a little too tightly around his neck, that's a big improvement over what she had been doing!