Surprise! The following is the start of my second pregnancy journal, to be added to my normal journal after I make the news public.

December 19, 2003 - Well, it looks like my weight loss program (I lost about 25 pounds since Spring) is over for the next nine months:

I'm still having some trouble getting it all to sink in. I am in shock that it has happened this fast. No Clomid, no Provera, not even hardly trying. Phil and I just decided that it was time to "not try to avoid". We told some people when they've asked recently that we really weren't trying to get pregnant yet, we were just not doing anything to prevent it and we'd see what happened. Well, see what happened! I have been kind of suspecting this last week because I've been wanting to sleep a LOT and I've also had occasional nausea, but I figured it was just the after effects of the flu that Natalie and I both had. Apparently not! It really is amazing how my body has just started working lately, especially as I have been weaning Natalie. For the last couple months I've been very regular - last month even having the "average" 28-day cycle for the first time EVER in my life. And I think I had a 28-day cycle this month too, because it looks like I ovulated right around day 14, yesterday was day 28 and I didn't get my period. This morning I tested for the first time, not even expecting ANYTHING to show up. For the past couple days I've really felt like my period was about to start ("that" feeling, which most women know what I mean) and the only reason why I tested, honestly, is because my mom had given me a couple tests that she bought really cheaply from a sale at her work and I figured, well, why not, at least then I'll know if I need to go out to the store today to buy some pads. (I realized last night after coming home from the grocery store that we were completely out.) Now, there is SOME logic behind that; my mom got the tests for about $3 each, and a package of pads costs more than that, so that was my rationale for using up a test even though I wasn't even at all sure I was pregnant. Like I said, I suspected MAYBE, but I really did think I had just been feeling this way from my flu. Big change from my pregnancy with Natalie, where I knew that I knew that I KNEW right after I ovulated!

I'm very nervous about this, but very excited too. This time, I know much better what is ahead of me, except this time I have all that plus a toddler to keep up with too.  I think Natalie is ready to be a big sister. She's just taking leaps and bounds right now into toddlerhood and away from being a baby.  And yes, she's still going right to sleep at night now when Phil puts her into bed! Now we've got to work on letting ME do the same thing. So far she won't let me do it (I've tried for naps). She is pretty much fully weaned now, too. Last night she asked to nurse before bed and I let her, but she nursed on each side for about 10 seconds only and when she didn't look too enthused, I asked her if she wanted mommy to read her a book and she popped RIGHT off and said "Book!" So she went over to her bookcase and got out a few books, brought them over to me and we cuddled up on the couch and read, until it was time for Phil to take her upstairs. What a big girl.

Even more than feeling excited or nervous, both Phil and I just feel extremely blessed. By all outside accounts it looks like we've had a rough year, because financially we certainly have not had more than a few spare dollars -if that- a month to do anything exciting, but I think it has also been a year that we have been the happiest we've ever been. For many reasons, some of which we aren't ready to disclose yet, but God has really been doing some things in our lives this year and we're excited about our future, where God is leading us as a family, which will now be four! To think of all the stress and difficulties we had in conceiving Natalie, now to get this blessing so quickly, it is just amazing.

I'm keeping this a secret for a week - that is all I am going to be able to stand for waiting. Next Thursday is Christmas and we plan on putting a photo of our test result in with my mom's gift (after all, she got the tests for me!) I also don't want to spread the news right away, just in case something happens like last April. That pregnancy ended much sooner than now though, so I'm feeling pretty confident. As of today I am exactly four weeks, so the baby has already implanted and is growing like crazy. When I miscarried in April, it was before implantation could have even happened; nevertheless, I'd just like to give this pregnancy another week to really get going before we spread the word. It's going to drive us crazy waiting though!!! Today we have felt like shouting from the rooftops when anyone asks us how we are doing, "Great!! We're having another baby!"

There is one other secret we are thinking about keeping this time, as a difference from last time. We might keep the baby's name a surprise until birth. After all, we still hope to find out if it is a boy or a girl (wow - which is already been determined - amazing...) and there is no way I'd be able to keep that under wraps (I just don't like calling babies "it") but I would still like some surprise. On one hand it was nice that everyone knew Natalie Jayne was coming, but I think I would have liked to have something of a surprise to announce too. Plus, if we decide at the moment of birth to change the name, no one will know the difference. :-) Now the hard part will probably be keeping Natalie from telling people the baby's name, because she just loves to go around the room and label everybody; I can see her doing that to my tummy about six months from now too.

The other big change this time around (the biggest being the toddler-in-tow part instead of just myself to take care of) is going to be an issue of clothing. For one, I'm starting out about 2-3 sizes smaller than I did last time, so ALL my clothes are going to look big on me this time and not just because my belly doesn't fill them out yet!  This is a good problem to have, I'm definitely happy that I'm going into the pregnancy not already overweight, but I still may have to get a few things. (Plus my friend who loaned me lots of clothes last time - and has given Natalie about 80% of what she wears - has probably already given her "Collection" to another friend at church who is pregnant. That helped SO much last time.) The second issue with clothes is that OH BOY I'm going to be in my third trimester in the heat of the summer - the exact opposite of last time! According to the due date calculators I've seen, my due date is August 27 (to be confirmed at my first doctor's appointment, of course). The last time I only needed a couple things for the very tail end of summer. On the other hand, I'm all set for long-sleeve clothes and I've heard that with second pregnancies you start to need maternity clothes a lot sooner. So I may get some use out of them. :-)

I guess that's "all" (haha) I have to say at this point. My head is a whirl of emotions and thoughts today. We're going to be a family of four!

December 20, 2003 - There is one other thing I thought about last night that I think will be a difference this time around. This time I'm going to be trying my best to just relax and enjoy this time being pregnant and not wanting to rush on to the next stage. Of course, I am looking forward to getting past the point of exhaustion and nausea, but I'm not looking at the 280 days of pregnancy as a time to be endured and rushed through. I remember all too well how difficult the first postpartum weeks are and how I thought right after giving birth that I missed the special feeling of being pregnant. I'm sure I'll have my aches and pains, and then close to the end I'll feel like I just want to get the baby out (God has to give you some motivation to go through labor!) but I'm already feeling a definite difference in how I'm looking at the next nine months. This time, I know how quickly the time passes - maybe not when you're going through it but most certainly in retrospect. I remember looking at my pregnancy countdown calendars the last time and thinking like a kid waiting for Christmas "it just can't get here soon enough!", and then right after Natalie was born feeling like I suddenly missed being pregnant. That's a feeling I would have never believed I would have, if someone told me that while I was still pregnant with her. I guess I can now see how people say the same thing with second children, that all around they just feel more relaxed than with their firstborns. I don't think I push Natalie to get on to each stage of development and I certainly haven't rushed her out of babyhood, but I don't remember too many details from when she was a little baby (sleep deprivation could be a cause of some of that) and I was always excited to see just when and what she would do next. I was concerned that she wouldn't roll over, which she never really did until she started crawling, but in the end it doesn't matter because she can roll herself over just as well as I can now. So who really cares that baby development charts say she should roll over at four months? This time I hope to soak in as much as I can (still with the sleep deprivation, of course) of the newborn stage and not want this baby to get on to that 3-month mark when everyone said (correctly) that it would all suddenly get easier. It IS very difficult those first three months, but it is a very precious time as well. I didn't think about any of those things as I was just trying to cope and get through it the first time. I feel the same way about pregnancy this time around too.

Speaking of pregnancy fatigue and nausea, why is it that I just tested yesterday but I'm suddenly feeling a marked increase in both? Maybe in my mind I just feel like there's a reason for it now (I've felt very sleepy and queasy for the past week and a half) so now I'm just letting my body give in to it instead of trying to deny that it is there.  

December 24, 2003 - Well, it's now officially official. I went for my first doctor's visit yesterday where I had to take THEIR test in order to "make sure". Apparently people still screw up the 99.9% effective home pregnancy tests these days? How difficult is it, really? Well, anyway, I called in today for my results and yep, big surprise, it came back positive.  So now I have my first real doctor's visit scheduled for January 16. It seems like so long from now; I'd forgotten how, early on, how far apart each of the appointments are. What I really remember from last time is, in the last couple months, feeling like I was always at either the doctor's office or the hospital. When I called today, there wasn't a doctor in the office, since it is Christmas Eve, so I'm going to have to call back next week and try to get them to write me a prescription for the prenatal pill that I like, the chewy one called NataChew. I've been taking a Kroger over the counter pill for the last couple months, but once again it's starting to make me feel ill when I have to choke it down every night. Last time, I went through about 10 different sample brands and the chewable one was the only one I could tolerate. 

I'm excited that tomorrow morning I can finally break the news! Hopefully I won't feel sick during the Christmas Eve service or dinner tonight. They all know I've had the flu fairly recently, but I think that could tip them off. I've felt really nauseous all day today; at one point this morning, I was talking to my mom about plans for dinner for tonight, and though it sounds just fine and delicious now, this morning just thinking about eating ham made me feel really icky!  I don't know how people manage it when they don't break the news until the first trimester is over. How do you hide 2 1/2 months of nausea (or worse), frequent potty visits, and continual exhaustion?  Maybe they just stay curled up under the covers in bed.

I think the only way that my mom might have a clue about me is if she has sneaked into these unlinked files...this website is a subsite from hers, so it's possible that she has come across the new pages that I've uploaded but not linked, but it's pretty unlikely. For tomorrow morning, I got my mom a picture frame (actually it's a photo flip book on a stand) where the front cover says "Grandkids". On the first page I have a couple pictures of Natalie and then on the next page is a picture of our test result (the same picture that is above).  I'm thinking the "Grandkids" (being plural) might tip her off. :-) We'll see!

I can actually get this posted to my site tomorrow!